And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
2014 was a year of serious transition. You may have noticed a distinct dropoff (that is to say–total absence) of posts in the latter half of the year. The snow globe that is my life was picked up, turned upside down, and shaken violently and with little regard for where all those glittery bits were going to land. My foundations, my priorities, my plans and expectations, my values and the very way I look at the world all came down wonky and unfamiliar. And, at the risk of hurting people I care very deeply about, I believe they all came down more beautiful and full of promise than I could have imagined. The most relevant pillar, at least to the readers (Hey readers! I ❤ you!) of this blog is my writing.
In November, 2008 I participated in my first NaNoWriMo. Out of me poured forth Chasing Smoke, a mess of a novel full of my heartaches, my fears, my wounds and my hopes. I’d been writing for a long time before that month, but those many late nights and caffeinated afternoons marked a turning point for me. I fell in love with my writing, in a way I’d never before experienced. From that point on, I got serious. I was going to be not just a writer, but an author. Published, in black and white, where people could find me and read me and–if I was very lucky–be moved by my words. Eventually, so my plan went, I would be able to support myself by writing what moved me.
This sustained me for a while. I wrote, I edited, I wrote and edited more, and eventually I sold a story. Then I got accepted into ClarionWest. Then I sold another story. I’m not sure when, exactly, it happened, but at some point things began to change. Really, thinking about it, that change wasn’t at some point. Instead, it was a gradual, creeping thing that–once I realized what was happening–was almost too late to stop. My focus shifted from writing what I love to writing fiction as a means to quit my day job. I changed how I wrote. Then I changed what I wrote. Then, after a period of being unable to write due to some pretty hefty emotional trauma, I realized I didn’t even want to write.
I don’t want to write fiction anymore.
I turned my back on what I loved, and in the process murdered it. Or, at least, I hurt it so bad I put it in a coma from which the doctors are not convinced it will return. More affecting than the realization, I think, is that right now I’m pretty okay with the realization. It’s just one more identity I used as a way to define myself, and to limit myself. 2015 is about breaking those definitions, and becoming someone bigger.
Some of what you might see in the future:
- Posts about yoga: Yoga has been a source of deep transformation for me since mid-August. I’ve been doing yoga on and off for over a decade, but when I started approaching my practice with gratitude and a sense of connectedness with the universe, yoga changed from exercise to prayer, and the prayer reached inside and changed me. Plus, I’m getting super strong, which is tops. 😉
- Posts about travel: My big goal, this year, is to get myself out of debt, then get myself to India. I intend to spend my 30th birthday in a foreign land, and I don’t have much intention of coming back anytime soon. An adventure which I’d love to share with all of you.
- Posts about food: Slowly but slowly my relationship with food is becoming focused on creating meals that are nurturing and nourishing and full of love. Cooking has always been a love/hate relationship of mine. I love cooking for others, but when it came to myself…meh. I’m learning to love myself more, and with that comes a desire to give my body the things I think it needs.
- Posts about spirituality: Meditation, inner work, shamanistic practices, Tarot…all subjects which may pop up here, because they are actively being integrated into my daily life.
- New blog! I’ll be writing over at courageatthecrossroad.com. Using my first name, instead of my pen name, as well. I strive for honesty, openness and transparency, and I think using the name I answer to in public is an important step in that.
I understand if I lose readers due to these changes. Should you choose to unsubscribe, I honor your choice and send you on your journey with love. For those who choose to keep me on their blog roll, or add me (!), well, three cheers to that! I’m glad and grateful to have you along for the ride.